A Confederacy of Dunces: extracts (45)

“Go dangle your withered parts over the toilet!” Ignatius screamed savagely.

“Oh, shut up your little pussymouth, you mongoloid.”

“A little job in a office and you can’t hold it down. With all your education.”

“I was hated and resented,” Ignatius said, casting a hurt expression at the brown walls of the kitchen. He pulled his tongue from the mouth of the bottle with a thump and belched some Dr. Nut. “Ultimately it was all Myrna Minkoff’s fault. You know how she makes trouble.”

“Myrna Minkoff? Don’t gimme that foolishness, Ignatius. That girl’s in New York. I know you, boy. You must really pulled some boo-boos at that Levy Pants.”

“My excellence confused them.”

“Gimme that paper, Ignatius. We gonna take a look at them want ads.”

“Is that true?” Ignatius thundered. “Am I going to be thrown out again into the abyss? Apparently you have bowled all the charity out of your soul. I must have at least a week in bed, with service, before I shall again be whole.”

“Are you really going to attempt to read aloud? I doubt whether my system could bear that trauma at the moment. Anyway, I am looking at a very interesting article in the science column about mollusks.”

Mrs. Reilly snatched the paper from her son, leaving two little scraps of it in his hands.

“Mother! Is this offensive display of ill manners one of the results of your association with those bowling Sicilians?”